New Campaign Commercial

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

Citizens for Jeff announced today their candidate for Emperor officially leads both McCain and Obama by 9,414 votes. Campaign organizers credit his lead to the fact that the polls haven’t officially opened and that Jeff is polling well in the disaffected sarcastic independent voter category that McCain and Obama have largely ignored. C4J spokesman Vida Blue said Monday, “If we can just get on the Daily Show with John Stewart before November, we’re going to win this election going away.”

Jeff did not comment on the lead, but did issue the following statement via his spokesman:

“We bribed a surprisingly few hundred of those 9,000 plus votes. It just goes to show that Americans want Tyranny instead of Change. I’m so happy.”

Citizens 4 Jeff will be releasing their first campaign ads later this week.

Today’s post is a commercial, but I think it’s a worthy one. Please remember the people in Texas as they rebuild and sort out the mess caused by Hurricane Ike. If you can give, please consider the Salvation Army’s disaster response. When you designate your support for disaster, 100% of the money goes to helping flood victims. Learn more about what the Salvation Army is doing to help flood victims here.

(We took the day off yesterday from the campaign out of respect for the Americans who lost their lives on 9/11. Thank you for your patience.)

Today, we continue with our interview with Jeff. As our future Emperor, we wanted to know his views on the environment, energy, Al Gore, and the Green Movement. Read the rest of this entry »

Americans are furiously debating the implications and fallout of Barack Obama’s “lipstick on a pig” comment. This prompted Citizens for Jeff to ask our future Emperor his opinion on the issue.  Here is the transcript of that interview.

C4J: Jeff, what is your take on the recent comments by Senator Obama?

Jeff: I have always been against unnecessary cosmetic applications on pigs.  Pigs will not wear lipstick in my Empire. Rabbits maybe, but not pigs.

C4J: Do you think he meant to attack Gov. Palin?

Jeff: It’s hard to say, but he’s making it easier for me to win.

C4J: How is that?

Jeff: The more Obama attacks Palin, the less the media focuses on our campaign.

C4J: But don’t you want media attention?  How else are you going to win?

Jeff: We’re counting on a surprise lead come November.  We want people to wake up on November 3rd, hear that I’m their Emperor, and when the surprise wears off, hit their snooze bars.

C4J: So, you want Americans to be surprised and then subsequently late to work?

Jeff: Yes, they will be working for me then, so they will need the extra sleep.

Our interview with Jeff continues tomorrow with his thoughts on the environment. Preview: “I’m all for the environment, as long as it stays outside.”

In the past few days, the Obama campaign has been whining about McCain/Palin stealing his “Change” thunder. Of course, I think he lost that label when he picked a running mate that has been in the Senate since 1973.  Let’s think about that for a second.

In 1973:

• The Vietnam War was still being fought.
• Roe vs. Wade was decided.
• The Dolphins won Super Bowl 7
• The World Trade Center opened.
• The Sears Tower was finished.
• The Oakland A’s won the World Series.
• Your future emperor was 5.
• Barack Obama was 12.
• Monica Lewinsky was born.

As you can see, it’s been a long time since Joe Biden went to Washington. So, can they really claim the “change” label? Of course John McCain has been in Washington since 1982. He served 2 terms in the House before being elected to the Senate in 1986. When you get to the bottom of it all, it’s still about picking between Democrats and Republicans who have been around for a long time.  Is that really change?

Of course not. The Citizens for Jeff Campaign is offering REAL Change. We’re offering a brand new form of government. We’re offering a fresh break from partisan politics. We’re offering a future free from political campaigns of any kind. And, we’re offering free iPods once he is elected.

Jeff for Emperor: Tyranny You Can Believe In!

Watershed Studio has become a sponsor of the Citizens for Jeff Campaign.  Company spokesman and CEO Brian Groce says, “It’s to our advantage to get on the bandwagon now. Once Jeff is Emperor, we will be in the position to capture significant market share, as Jeff has promised to banish most of our competitors.”

Groce later added, “we see the writing on the wall. More people have voted for Jeff in the last 48 hours than voted for Ron Paul or Dennis Kucinich combined. It’s only a matter of time before the mainstream media realize that Americans want an Emperor more than they want a President.”

Watershed stock rose on news of the announcement.

Kristen Grills has been named PR Director for the Citizens for Jeff Campaign.  Kristen has considerable experience in PR, but has been laying low since the dot com bust.  Her ad campaign for mysockpuppet.com is largely regarded as the tipping point for the tech market crash, but it was still pretty funny. 

“I plan to bring all my talents to the campaign to elect Jeff emperor.  I’ve learned a lot from the mysockpuppet.com debacle. I’ll never use curse words in an add again. That’s my promise to voters.”

Citizens for Jeff is thrilled to have Kristen as part of the team!  If you would like to join our staff, please visit the volunteer opportunities page.

Citizens for Jeff are looking for volunteers to help us make our dream a reality.  You can help today. We’re looking to fill the following volunteer positions:

• Community Organizer
• Graphic Designer
• PR Director
• Minion

Volunteers who do well will be considered for the following positions in the Empire once we succeed.

• Advanced Minion
• Senior Minion
• Minister of Defense
• Minister of Offense
• Minister of Trivia
• Minister of Economics
• Minister of Banning Stupid things like Inter League Play and All in the Family marathons on TV Land.

If you think you have what it takes to serve the Empire, please post your info and qualifications in a comment below.

Welcome to the Official Campaign Headquarters of the Jeff for Emperor Campaign!

We know you’re tired of McCain and Obama. We know you’re tired of Republicans and Democrats. We know you’re sick of the endless cycle of campaigning, political ads, and prime time interruptions of your favorite programing. Enough is enough. We need real change. Not the pseudo change promised by our 2 candidates.

What America needs isn’t another President. America needs an emperor. America needs a leader who will lead with complete autonomy and wear funny hats. America needs Jeff.

That is why the Citizens for Jeff are mounting the campaign garner 63,000,000 votes for Jeff as our new emperor. Why 63 million? Because that will be more people than voted for President George Bush in 2004. You can help. So vote today. And vote often!